I remember a very good male friend of mine, 35yrs old with enough bragging rights of achievements yet proclaims to his bevy of girlfriends… he is not ready for marriage. Does this sounds familiar? "I thought he was the perfect man for me. He told me he loved me, but he says he's not ready. What does that even mean?"
Plenty of women have heard this, and many more would like to know what it means. It is a difficult thing to accept and can sometimes be almost impossible to understand, but it is something that plenty of men see as an understandable reason to avoid a serious relationship.
What the hell does that mean? Especially coming from a guy probably in his early 40s? How can a man of that age and experience not “be ready”?
Anyway, I took it to heart and now I know that was my first step towards learning all of the wonderful things about men that I’ve uncovered. I discovered when a man tells you he isn’t ready, he’s telling you a lot more than you realize. What he’s really doing is making a statement about who he is and where his life is right now.
A large portion of a man’s sense of self is tied to his ability to provide – both for himself and for those he loves. Because of this, men take commitments – and especially long-term commitments – very seriously.
A man will not make a commitment unless he is confident in his ability to fulfill his end of the bargain. If he doubts his ability to provide what is needed to make a situation successful, he will avoid it. He will say something to the effect, “I’m not ready.”
Of course, hearing these things from the man you truly love is HARD.
You are building up your expectations and creating all of these beautiful images for the future in your mind and then – WHAM! Your dreams are shattered by those 3 little words. And you fall off the deep end, giving yourself a dehydration headache from too much crying.
However, there are other underlying reasons why a guy would say “he’s not ready”. There are reasons why a man may use this in regards to a relationship, and it can tell you a lot about him.
He could mean the following
1. HE’S AFRAID.
I'm afraid of taking extra responsibilities that will come along with marriage. Once married, my decisions won't be mine, it will be our decisions. I want to have freewill and not want my thought process to be interfered by someone else’s. Not afraid of a failed relationship, but afraid of deeper things. Thanks to tradition and custom, men have been told they must be dedicated providers and protectors. When he says "I'm not ready," it could mean he is unsure of his ability to be those things. Men do not like to fail, especially as a spouse or father.
If he feels, at any point, that he may not be able to live up to his commitment or feels that he may fail, he will not make that commitment. This comes from his desire to be reliable and stable. The worst thing you can do is pressure him about it.
"Your 'commitment-phobe' may worry about his capacity to be a good partner or parent (possibly also on account of a difficult childhood) "He may have experienced disappointments and has come to see himself as a 'failure' in general. This may lead to fear of commitment in other areas too."
Consequently, if he does commit after being pushed, you will have a man who is constantly questioning himself and his abilities. Those feelings will surely lead to resentment in the future.
2. He doesn't have a plan YET
No one enjoys the chaos of figuring out your future. The stress of the unknown can get to you. When you have an overwhelming amount of professional and personal issues consuming your time, adding the expectations of a relationship on top of that doesn't allow you to focus on the relationship.
"School and work are common excuses used by commitment- phobes to stay out of a serious relationship," wrote Eric Santos "While in college, I used the excuse, 'I'm just focusing on school,' to not date anyone seriously. After college, I used a similar excuse: 'I'm just focused on being an entrepreneur.'Don't get me wrong; mixing in a relationship while being focused on school or work can be difficult, especially if you're trying to get a business off the ground. However, if a guy is willing to be committed, he will find a work-life balance." Like most people, your man doesn't want to commit to something halfway. Instead he wants to be totally committed with no doubts. If he doesn't have other aspects of his life figured out, he's going to want to square that all away beforehand.
“ I want to achieve more things in my career. I see marriage as an extra load for my career growth and that will make me refrain myself from risky career path. I don't want to see my better half struggling with household expenses when I opt for higher studies and/or start my own business etc.”
3. I want to have a more satisfactory job
I want to have a more satisfactory job and be in a better place to live before I start my wedded life. Presently I'm living far away from my home town, and I would like to go for higher education and it will eat away few years of my life. I will think of settling down to a slow pace steady life with someone only after this phase is over. I don't want to marry someone because I'm of right age and then live in a place where she can't find herself a new job or we have to live separately to keep-our-jobs/pursue-higher-education. So I'd rather stay unmarried, save that girl from feeling alone and have myself engaged in exploiting leisure of bachelor life.
4. I don't want marriage for sex alone.
I don't want marriage for sex alone. I want to have marriage with a person with whom I'm in love with and that person feels same for me. And if she can wait for me, I'll be committed to her but if she love me enough to wait for a few years, she should move on with her life. After all, most girls asks for marriage as soon a guy has a steady source of income. They don’t marry for love but who is ready. This single thing makes me extremely uncomfortable.
5. Will I be happy 10 years later?
If I marry now and 10years later I feel unhappy/regret about things I didn't try then I may end up blaming my marriage as a reason for my shortcomings, which will lessen/harm my feelings for my wife. I don't want that to happen.
6. I’m yet to sort myself out.
Sometimes I'm extremely lazy and things pisses me off. And from my personal life experience I've seen couples having more arguments with each other when they are frustrated because they can't vent out feelings/emotional-pressure and helpless over an issue. I want to be the person with whom my wife can do this. For this I need to be a better man first.
7. Deep inside I am still a kid.
Deep inside I am still a kid. I don't want to be a papa when I myself is as stupid as 4year old kid. (though I’d love to be taken care as a baby by someone).My dear, a guy with this excuse is not ready to settle down. A lot of men view any kind of long-term committed relationship as settling down. Although you can (and should) go out and do exciting things together, it still can seem to him as though he's making a commitment to settling down, and some men don't feel ready to do that. This means a lot when you realize he wants to be ready for it yet isn't willing to waste your time if he isn't. Many men take that a step further as they see pressure and responsibility come from a long-term committed relationship. Deep down they may care about you, but they aren't prepared to make decisions that affect "we" instead of "me."
So really, even though it’s hard to hear the words “I’m not ready”, make the decision now to change how you interpret them the next time you hear them.
Instead of interpreting them as “I don’t care about you enough to do this with you”, shift it instead to: “I care about you too much to do this with you right now, because I doubt my ability to provide that for you in the best way I know how.”
When a man says he isn't ready, don't take it personally. The majority of the time, it has nothing to do with the significant other and everything to do with the man, himself. "The best thing to do in this situation is to give your man enough space to develop the emotional attachment to you that is necessary for him to want to commit. Pushing things and trying to get closer to him will just smother him and make him want to pull further away.
Let him take his time. Nothing says you have to wait around, but try to understand where he's coming from. Some people are ready for commitment long before others, and maybe his time hasn't come yet. If you believe that he is the one for you, and you believe he will be ready one day then waiting could end up with you both being happy together.
If you enjoyed this, it would mean so much to me if you’d share it with others. And if it sparks thoughts or stories you’d like to share – please do so in the comments below
I STILL REMAIN YOUR HUMBLE PROFICIENT WRITER, ESTHER IJEOMA OGBUKA.
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