RELATIONSHIP KILLERS (Part 1)

Relationships could be friendships, marriage, etc. Whichever one it
is, can be assassinated by some vices which one could term little but
these little make disastrous impact which gives rise to adverse effect
on the long run. I choose to call them "Relationship Killers" because
they squeeze or choke life out of relationships. Sometimes, they kill
at a stroke, other times, they Kill in bits. Whichever method they
use, their prime goal is to squeeze out life. These killers can't kill
without a setup, method or mechanism. The first mechanism is:

Harsh startup - The most obvious indicator that a discussion or
marriage is not going to go well is the way it begins. Here's a story
to illustrate this ; Dara immediately becomes negative and accusatory
when Oliver broaches the subject of housework, she's ready to be
sarcastic. "Or lack thereof," she says. Oliver tries to lighten
things up by cracking a joke: "Or the book we were talking about
writing: Men are pigs." Dara sits pokerfaced. They talk a bit more,
trying to devise a plan to make sure Oliver does his share, and then
Dara says, "I mean, I'd like to see it resolved, but it doesn't seem
like it is. I mean, I've tried making up lists, and that doesn't work.
And I've tried letting you do it on your own, and nothing got done for
a month." Now she's blaming Oliver. In essence, she's saying the
problem isn't the housekeeping, it's him. When a discussion leads off
this way--with criticism and or sarcasm, a form of contempt--it has
begun with a "harsh startup." Although Dara talks to Oliver in a very
soft, quiet voice, there's a load of negative power in her words.
After hearing the first minute or so of their conversation, it's no
surprise to me that by the end Dara and Oliver haven't resolved their
differences at all. This shows that if your discussion begins with a
harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if
there are a lot of attempts to "make nice" in between. Statistics tell
the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a
conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen-minute
interaction! A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure. So if you
begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a
breather, and start over. Now, as their discussion unfolds, I continue
to look out for particular types of negative interactions. Certain
kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a
relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in
the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling.

Horseman 1: Criticism. You will always have some complaints about the
person you live with. But there's a world of difference between a
complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific
action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global—it adds
on some negative words about your mate's character or personality.
"I'm really angry that you didn't sweep the kitchen floor last night.
We agreed that we'd take turns doing it" is a complaint.

"Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen
floor when it's your turn. You just don't care" is a criticism. A
complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante
by throwing in blame and general character assassination. Here's a
recipe: To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite
line: "What is wrong with you?" Usually a harsh startup comes in the
guise of criticism. You can see how quickly complaint turns into
criticism when Dara begins to talk. Listen again to what she says:
Dara: I mean, I'd like to see it resolved, but it doesn't seem like it
is. (Simple complaint) I mean, I've tried making up lists and that
doesn't work. And I've tried letting you do it on your own, and
nothing got done for a month. (Criticism. She's implying the problem
is his fault. Even if it is, blaming him will only make it worse.)
Here are some other examples that show the difference between
complaint and criticism. Complaint. There's no gas in the car. Why
didn't you fill it up like you said you would? Criticism. Why can't
you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the
tank, and you didn't. Complaint. You should have told me earlier that
you're too tired to make love. I'm really disappointed, and I feel
embarrassed. Criticism. Why are you always so selfish? It was really
nasty of you to lead me on. You should have told me earlier that you
were too tired to make love. Complaint. You were supposed to check
with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time
alone with you tonight. Criticism. Why do you keep putting your
friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. We were supposed
to have dinner alone tonight.
If you hear echoes of yourself or your spouse in these criticisms, you
have plenty of company. The first horseman is very common in
relationships. So if you find that you and your spouse are critical of
each other, don't assume you're headed for divorce court. The problem
with criticism is that when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for
the other, far deadlier horsemen.

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